For those who want one and are willing to pay an unsubsidized price....
The press have been beating down my door and besieging me by telephone and email to find out my positions. My crack team of specialists and eggheads is preparing a package of proposals that I intend, as every good candidate does, to ignore. I have known grown men and women of some sense who have taken part in platform fights at the GOP Convention and bragged about how they put through a pro-life plank, as if planks and platforms had anything to do with actual policies. When Bob Dole was asked about some controversial position in the Republican Platform, he answered truly, "No one even reads the Platform,"
There are some good policies that could be advocated if we ever had an honest candidate, policies that addressed real problems such as the lousy chicken available to American consumers who are forced to choose one flavorless factory chicken over another. It is easy to put the blame on Tyson, but the problem is systemic in American food production, which is treated as an international industry.
For once the hippies are right. Locally grown food is better than name-brand products. This development, which is retarded in countries where the quality of what they eat is valued, is not natural. It is the result of policies that subsidize agribusiness and promote interstate commerce at the expense of small farmers and local businesses.
As President, I shall end the Big Farm monopolies by ending subsidies to agribusiness, cutting red tape that punishes small farming operations, and provide tax breaks to small farms producing authentic food. I shall also outlaw the term "organic," which means absolutely nothing, and smash all the federal regulations that have produced the nightmare known as the fastfood industry.